A Little Light-hearted Stuff

I would like to thank the Reporter staff for the support I received for publishing my environmental views over the past two years. I also would like to thank those who called and wrote to offer both support and criticism.

I have decided to take a break from writing this weekly column. This article is a change from all the gloom and doom of the past 80 or so submissions. Hope these leave you smiling a little.

LEFT HAND DRIVING

My daughter and son-in law took up a job managing a restaurant in Grand Cayman Island. I flew in once to spend a few days with them. In these islands they drive as the English do - on the left side. This means that the controls on the steering column can be confusing as they are also on the 'wrong' side.

One day I was driving my daughter's car along Seven Mile Beach road. My daughter said, "Careful Pa, that car is going to turn right in front of you." Since there was no directional signal flashing I said "How do you know that?"

"The windshield wipers came on - that's a sure sign that it is a tourist and he is going to turn."

THE CAKE

My old boss and good friend, Cy Kelly, related a story to me that revealed the mischievous nature that he retained throughout his life. Even though this incident happened when he was a teen-ager, he still had a twinkle in his eye when relating it. When he told me this story, he was an 'old' man of about 45, and I was around 27.

One day he was visiting a buddy, (as the story goes) when they overheard his friend's sister say that she was going to bake a cake. This got them to plotting on a way to sabotage the venture. They did their mischievous deed and made a hasty retreat.

When the cake came out of the oven the young girl was heartbroken. The cake was about the same consistency as a large brick. Her spirit was broken. She vowed never to cook again.

"We mixed some plaster of Paris into the flour when she was out of the room." Cy said, and then chuckled, "It was the other guy's idea though."

THE WAITRESS

One day I was having lunch in a small restaurant up north. In way of conversation with the waitress, I said, "this town doesn't grow very fast, does it? --the sign outside town has said 'POPULATION 700' for the past 10 years."

That's easy to explain" she responded. "Every time a woman announces that she is expecting, another man leaves town."

I left a nice tip.

THE TECHNICIAN

Another time one of our installation technicians was coming back from Yemen after installing poultry incubators. At Canadian Customs the officer said "where have you been, sir?"

"Yemen," was the response.

Now the officer probably never processed anyone return from there before and said, "Oh, were you on business?"

"Yes" was the weary reply.

"Lots of unrest there isn't there?"

"Yes there is."

Sensing that the traveler was fatigued the officer said, "Do you have anything to declare?"

The technician hesitated a moment and replied, "I'll never - never - ever, go back."

He was quickly cleared back into Canada.

THE WAGER

My friend made a bet with the big boss. Twenty bucks was the wager - who could lose the most weight in the next three months was the bet.

The time passed but neither appeared to take it too seriously until the date started to get closer. "Come on," said the boss "time to see who wins the twenty dollars." So out to the plant they go.

"You go first" my friend said. Up on the shipping scales steps the boss for the weigh-in. "190 lbs." says the boss all confident like.

Up steps my friend. He strips naked right there in plain view of all and climbs on the scales. "191 lbs. - I guess you win" he said calmly, as he redressed and went back to work.

THE BIRTHDAY SURPRISE

One of my sisters could use some help from Martha Stewart. She does not like to cook. She proudly displays a sign in her kitchen, which reads, "My next kitchen will have vending machines only."

Two other sisters decided to have a surprise birthday party for her. Since they always drop in on one another for coffee, and have keys to each other's homes, it was decided to take the cake to her house and hide it. They would drop in as was usual, wait for the coffee to brew, and then bring out the cake.

"Where should we hide it?" asked Flory. "No problem says Gloria, "We'll hide it where she will never find it. -- We will put it in the oven." - and they did.

Just as they thought, it was not discovered before the ' big surprise'.

Have a nice day.