Winterize Your Lawn

This article was sent to me over the Internet. I have been unable to trace the author. It is light and humorous and prepares the way for my article on organic lawn care. It has also been modified and shortened. I hope no one is offended. Tell me if you know the author.

WINTERIZE YOUR LAWN, the sign outside the garden store commanded.

I've fed, watered, mowed, raked and watched a lot of it die. Now I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of electric leaf blowers! It's a constant battle; this grass that must be nursed through its annual four-step chemical dependency.

Imagine a conversation between The Creator and St. Francis: "Frank, what is going on down there? What happened to dandelions, violets, thistles and stuff I created eons ago? I had a perfect, maintenance-free garden plan. Those plants grow in any soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The blossom nectar attracted butterflies, bees and songbirds. There's no colour; all I see are green rectangles.'

"It's the Suburbanites, Lord. They started calling your flowers 'noxious' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass."

"Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs. It's temperamental. Do these Suburbanites really want all that plainness?"

"Apparently so, Lord. They go to pains growing it and keeping it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant."

"The spring rains make grass grow quickly. Does that make the Suburbanites happy?"

"No, Lord. As soon as it grows, they cut it - sometimes twice a week."

"Do they then bale it like hay?"

"No, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it into bags."

"They bag it? Is it a cash crop?"

"Au contraire. They throw it away."

"Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it and throw it away?"

"Yes, sir."

"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when there is less rain and more heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."

"You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing quickly, they pay to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

"What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as the leaves rot, they form compost to enhance the soil."

"You better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, the Suburbanites rake them into piles and have them hauled away."

"No! What do they do to protect shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?"

"After throwing away your leaves they buy mulch. They spread it around in place of the leaves."

"Where do they get this mulch?"

"They cut down trees and grind them up."

"Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"

"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's..."

"Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story."

Have a nice day.